The Unconstant Consistency of Constants,

Is what's lacking in my life. I wish I had one single thing that can just stay the same no matter what's happening. I mean I know God IS that but...I'm talking about something else, you know? For the longest time, Longwood (my last shool) was that. That school was pretty much my life. No matter what was going on in my life, terrible or wonderful, I would wake up in the morning and be happy to go and see my friends. I mean surely I hate the schoolwork, but now I go to he school with-sure, some great people-but without the feeling that I belong somewhere. And I'm sure this will go away at some point, but there's nothing that could ever compare to the feeling of being at stage crew making fun of Dazzo's pegaus helmet. I MEAN C'MON. I just, wish I had it all back. And now, for my birthday, I really want to go visit. But then a part of me feels like it will make me melancholy and that I'll miss it even more and even be jealous of all my friends hat do get to share those crazy experiences! I don't know, I just wish I had that again =/. That feeling.

I also hate how my mom's moves and her habits affect my consistency with being punctual and even having that feeling of stability. Come to think of it, I don't live in a stable environment at all. And I don't blame my mom for that. But there's things she can do that can change that. Like getting me to places I need to get to on time. That's so simple! I always feel like the tiniest amount of effort with make such a big difference in this area of my life. Just for my mom to show "Hey- I'm trying here." ...but I don't really see it. What's awful as well is, since I'm not stable, people can't lean on me. And I HATE THAT because when you can't do anything about it, you just feel so much worse. I wish I could drive my friends around everywhere, I wish I could lend them money when they need it, I wish I didn't have to leave them. But I don't have a car, I need the money, and I had to leave =/. And ugh I HATE how I'm always the one leaving people! And this should sound weird, because it's usually easier when you're the one who leaves a place and starts a new beginning, but not when you have to do it all the time. In various degrees and situatons, of course, but you get the point. I just want to let my friends know that I love them, and I only beat myself up because I can't be the best friend I can be to them, with all these inconsistencies breaking the constants.